Finally, I scrapped a page…not sure what came over me but not complaining at all!
credits: everything from paisleepress (WOW! I love her designs) available at oscraps
template – pressplate #4
papers & elements – sociologie kit
word art – presslines #5
I made Valentines for the kids to share at school…used my Cricut and cut out hearts & little bitty tags from the Plantin Schoolbook cartridge. Papers are Basic Grey and the swiss dots are from my favorite Papertrey Ink stamp set Polka Dot Basics.
I have been mulling over this for about 20 hours now and I am hoping that if I write it down it will get out of my head.
My ex-husband called last night.
That in itself is not such a big deal, I suppose. But, my ex-husband has not called in over 5 years. Not called me and not called his 2 boys…in over 5 years. Apparently yesterday was the day he finally felt the need to call.
He wanted to know about the boys – or so he said. But, before he bothered to ask anything about them, he chose to tell me that they now have a younger brother, err, half-brother.
“Nope” I told him, “they don’t”. Remember dude, your parental rights were terminated several years ago. Not only is your new baby not their brother or half-brother, you are not their father, or half-father, or every 5 years father. You are nothing to them but a name and distant memory and we are gonna keep it that way buddy!
Of course, talking to him again brought back lots of old feelings that were better off left in their little bitty distant memory box – anger, resentment, hurt are among the top. Hearing him tell me how I “pushed” him out of their lives makes me angry again, but it also brings up the little shards of guilt that I have always felt for initiating the termination. I have been telling myself that it was his choice to move back to California. It was his choice to not call or visit or support them. It was his choice to walk out of their lives.
That is what I keep telling myself, so why do I keep asking myself if I should have opened up to him about the boys? Why do I wonder if I have done the boys a disservice by not letting him back into their lives now? Why do let him have the power to make me doubt my decisions?
He had numerous opportunities to do right by the boys but it always encroached on “his” stuff. The courts gave him ample opportunities to make things right or even to enter a plea that he wanted to make things right, but he even chose to ignore that. He never showed up for a court case, never contacted my attorney or the guardian ad-litem or the court system. He just ignored it. He just ignored his children. And because of that, he lost the right to come back into their lives when it suits him.
When the boys are older, old enough to understand, they can contact him. I will help them find him if that is what they want. But, they have to be old enough to understand that people can be selfish, uncaring and mean and that some people are not meant to be parents. Until then, I won’t let them be hurt by him again. He has hurt them enough.
I have been crying more than usual lately and have been trying to figure out why.
Last night it started while I was reading this book.
It is a story about a 50 year old woman that develops Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease. It’s a very moving story and wonderfully well-written but nothing that is relevant to my life so I didn’t expect that it would touch me so deeply.
It started me thinking about my children and their lives. Thinking about what memories I want them to have of their childhood, our family, and life in general. I question whether I am giving them all that they need emotionally and spiritually to grow into the best people they can be. I do know that I am giving them all that they need physically, however, as evidenced by the mass amount of toys, video games, clothes and other general crap we have in our house!
I feel guilty for telling them ‘no’ about things. For instance, last night Trevor and I spent a couple of hours completing a project for school. By the time we were done it was bedtime. Jacob has gotten into the habit (again) of wanting me to lay with him when he goes to bed and I have given in quite a bit so he expects it now. Well, last night I told him that I needed to finish doing something after Trevor and I were done and that I would not be able to lay with him. Of course he said “ok” but when it came down to the wire he didn’t like the situation. He kept getting out of bed and coming into my room. The more he did it, the more annoyed I got. The more annoyed I got, the more he whined and pleaded. Finally, I had had enough so I got up and went to lay with him for 2 minutes. This solved the issue on HIS end but caused other problems on my end.
First, I was resentful that I had to give in and lay with him. Yes, I said it, I was RESENTFUL that I HAD to lay with my son. WTH? What is wrong with me that I would resent that? He is 8 and in a few years he will think I am a total loser and want nothing to do with me – I should be CHERISHING this activity. Instead, I am resenting it. Something is definitely wrong with that.
Second, hubby gets frustrated with my lack of follow thru and consistency when dealing with the kids. He said “you are not teaching them to be independent, you are teaching him that if he whines and pleads enough, he will get what he wants.” Yes, I see his point clearly, but it upsets me to have him be disappointed in my actions. And yes, that is a totally different issue that we should deal with in another post!
So, then I started reading my book and the tears started flowing. About the book. About my children. About my guilt. About the “what if’s”.
It's getting late so I am just going to post a quick update. Tonight T. and I finished his Valentine's Box. His grade is having a contest to see who can create the most creative, the funniest, and the prettiest Valentine's Box. The only requirements were that they had to use Valentine colors like pink and red and that they had a "container" with an opening that the kids could put Valentines into.
We came up with the phrase "Iguana be your Valentine" and this is what we created...
What do you think? Did we do a good job?
