*Sigh*
It's sad to start a blog post with a *sigh* but that is how I feel lately. My husband and I are just not seeing eye to eye on son #3 and it is wearing on me.
I am #3's step-mom and while I do not like to really use the term "step" I think it is appropriate in this instance. His mom is, for all intents and purposes, pretty much out of the picture so I do the mothering for him. However, he does still biologically and legally have both a mother and a father therefore I do not feel that it is my place to do any serious disciplining or punishing. I feel that I am limited to correcting inappropriate behaviors and taking away small privileges, etc. but that is about the extent. I may be wrong in my beliefs but, it is what it is.
#3 is (IMHO) very hyperactive, to the point that I feel he would benefit from medication. He also has very poor impulse control and somewhat lacking social skills (for a 2nd grader). I am also questioning whether he might have some sort of language processing difficulties, as he often stares blankly when spoken to and has extreme difficulty with reading. He does ok in school academically but not behaviorally. His teacher often sends home notes that "he was asked repeatedly to stop xxxxx and did not" or "he was unable to stay focused on and finish his work today". However, because his grades are ok the school will not intervene.
I have repeatedly tried to convince my husband that we need professional help for #3. I won't say that he doesn't agree but I will say that he is reluctant. His reluctance along with the fact that our medical insurance will not cover any testing or treatment though, pretty much makes him against it. I know we could do all this privately & I have with my 2 (biological) children but I did / do it with financial help from my parents. It is unbelievably expensive & we simply don't have an extra $25K while raising 4 kids. He has agreed to doing family counseling to work on "blending" our family and to individual counseling for #3. However, he does not believe that counseling will accomplish anything.
#3 is an interesting child and I have ZERO experience with this type of personality...punishments & consequences DO NOT BOTHER this child! You can take away his DS, Computer, TV for a week and he just shrugs it off. Send him to his room and he just sits on his bed playing with his pillow. Take away dessert and he says OK and goes off to take a shower. Send him to bed early and he lays down and goes to sleep. We cannot find a punishment / consequence that really gets through to this child...with one exception, spanking.
I do not like spanking. I do not feel like it teaches a child anything constructive in terms of how to change or correct a negative behavior. Have I spanked...yes, a few times. However, for me I realize that the few times I have spanked my (biological) children it was more out of frustration than to teach a lesson. So, I do not do it anymore and I won't do it to my step children. My husband is more "old school" though and believes that a spanking is an appropriate punishment for some behaviors. We have agreed to disagree on this parenting issue and I am ok with that. Where I have the problem though is that since I don't & won't spank #3 and other consequences I can & will enforce have ZERO effect on #3, I am left with absolutely no way to handle this child when his father is not around. It wouldn't be such an issue except that I am home in the afternoon with the children until he gets home from work and there are lots of issues that come up that need some type of consequence.
I don't know what to do anymore. It is exhausting for me and I do not enjoy being around this child. That makes me irritable towards him and everyone else, the other 3 kids & my husband when he gets home. I know not to take this out on them but that is also hard. I am tired. I have been correcting, re-directing, and disciplining for 3-4 hours straight with this kid in addition to homework and regular mom stuff with the other 3 kids. Once he gets home from work I have to make dinner, clean up after dinner, do laundry, get the kids moving on bath and bed, etc. Of course, my husband does help with this stuff...he is very good about sharing home responsibilities so I am not complaining about that at all. But it is still work on top of work on top of {job} work, etc. It is causing arguments between my husband and I. I worry that it is putting a strain on our marriage and that scares me. I feel bad because #3 is not getting a fair chance to shine due to things out of his control but I don't know how to fix that on my own. I know we need professional help on this one but I don't know how we can afford to do it.
I feel a bit like a failure as a parent.
