Down the rabbit hole...

I feel a little bit like I have fallen down the rabbit hole
and cannot find my way out.

2 weeks ago my whole world was really smacked in the face with
a rude awakening.

I received a call from school that my 9 yr old son was being
suspended for 2 days because he had put his hands on a teacher in anger.

He has had behavior problems since he was a toddler but
recently they have really been escalating. He is seeing doctors, therapists,
psychologists, everyone and anyone I can think of to possibly help.

Between the time I received the call about his suspension
and I got to the school to pick him up he had threatened to kill himself to the
Asst. Principal.

Now, as schools must do, they had to assess this threat to
determine how serious it was.

He was serious. He had a detailed plan.

This assessment led us to the ER.

The ER led to a mental health assessment.

The mental health assessment led us to hospitalization.
Hospitalization in a psychiatric hospital. For my 9 year old.

Let me tell you, hearing that your 9 year old child has
thoughts and plans to end their life is terrifying on its own. But having to
LEAVE your child alone in a psychiatric hospital for several days is about 4
steps beyond terrifying.

It was, without a doubt, the WORST 72 hours of my life.

I was not allowed to see him. I could only speak to him on
the phone once per day for 15 minutes.

I felt totally helpless over my child.

We got a diagnosis for the Psychiatrist while he was at the
hospital, Bi-Polar Disorder.

My initial reaction to this diagnosis was relief and a sense
of “that’s not so bad”. Medication and therapy and he will be just fine, right.

Then I researched Pediatric Bi-Polar Disorder.

Common
outcomes of pediatric bipolar disorder are school refusal, suspension, and
dropping-out; impulsive acts of aggression; self-injury; substance abuse; and
suicide attempts and completions. Teens with symptoms of untreated bipolar
disorder are arrested and incarcerated. Suicide is the third leading cause of
death among teens. Relapses are common even with the best treatment; in
fact, relapse is a hallmark of bipolar disorder. Even with treatment by
professionals, children may need hospitalization or residential treatment. Bipolar
disorder and the medications used to treat it often have a significant impact
on a child's education. Bipolar disorder can affect a child's school
attendance, alertness and concentration, sensitivity to light, noise and
stress, motivation, and energy available for learning. Transitions to new
teachers and new schools, return to school from vacations and absences, and
changing to new medications commonly increase symptoms.

                                                                                    {Reprinted
from bpkids.org}

 

I am scared. Scared for the challenges that face
my son. Scared that he will not get all of the help that he needs and will feel
he needs to do something drastic. Scared that his disorder will cause him to do
things he should not do and that he will have to learn lessons the hard way.
Scared that his life will be marred with difficulties and hardships. Scared
that I will lose him.