thoughts …

I have been crying more than usual lately and have been trying to figure out why.

Last night it started while I was reading this book.

It is a story about a 50 year old woman that develops Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease. It’s a very moving story and wonderfully well-written but nothing that is relevant to my life so I didn’t expect that it would touch me so deeply.

It started me thinking about my children and their lives. Thinking about what memories I want them to have of their childhood, our family, and life in general. I question whether I am giving them all that they need emotionally and spiritually to grow into the best people they can be. I do know that I am giving them all that they need physically, however, as evidenced by the mass amount of toys, video games, clothes and other general crap we have in our house!

I feel guilty for telling them ‘no’ about things. For instance, last night Trevor and I spent a couple of hours completing a project for school. By the time we were done it was bedtime. Jacob has gotten into the habit (again) of wanting me to lay with him when he goes to bed and I have given in quite a bit so he expects it now. Well, last night I told him that I needed to finish doing something after Trevor and I were done and that I would not be able to lay with him. Of course he said “ok” but when it came down to the wire he didn’t like the situation. He kept getting out of bed and coming into my room. The more he did it, the more annoyed I got. The more annoyed I got, the more he whined and pleaded. Finally, I had had enough so I got up and went to lay with him for 2 minutes. This solved the issue on HIS end but caused other problems on my end.

First, I was resentful that I had to give in and lay with him. Yes, I said it, I was RESENTFUL that I HAD to lay with my son. WTH? What is wrong with me that I would resent that? He is 8 and in a few years he will think I am a total loser and want nothing to do with me – I should be CHERISHING this activity. Instead, I am resenting it. Something is definitely wrong with that.

Second, hubby gets frustrated with my lack of follow thru and consistency when dealing with the kids. He said “you are not teaching them to be independent, you are teaching him that if he whines and pleads enough, he will get what he wants.” Yes, I see his point clearly, but it upsets me to have him be disappointed in my actions. And yes, that is a totally different issue that we should deal with in another post!

So, then I started reading my book and the tears started flowing. About the book. About my children. About my guilt. About the “what if’s”.